Nothing, but everything, all at once.
Moving away from home is probably one of the most bittersweet experiences life has to offer. You are aware that being in your home city, studying from home instead of hostel or PG is more comfortable, yet you choose to leave. You choose to leave because you know there is a better life waiting for you at the other end. You know you can make yourself, your friends and family proud. You are willing to sacrifice anything for that dream, for that life. But there are these few days, these few moments, where you question all of that. Is it worth it?
It's when you realize the
youngest child of the house has moved away and the middle child has been
married off. Both the girls of the house have left.
It's when you realize most
of your friends are now in different parts of the world and you do not know
when you will meet them again.
It's when you try or learn
something new and wish your people were there with you.
It's when you have an exam
the next day but you don't have your mother to give you company and stay up
with you all night or your father to be your alarm and wake you up at 4am in
case you fall asleep.
It's when you're walking
back to the hostel from class and suddenly you wish you were back in your 10th
grade classroom, sitting and secretly eating under the benches while hiding from the
teacher.
It's when you visit home
for the first time after moving away but something just doesn't quite sit right but you can't put it into words either.
It's when you're alone in
your hostel room on Diwali but your friends have all gone home.
It's when your family
video calls you and sends you pictures of the festival preparations at home
just so they have a feeling of you being there and so you don't miss out either.
You know by their smile that they are happy but miss you the same way that you
miss them. Those are the smiles that go from ear to ear but hide tears anyway.
It's when you realize you can't continue to be in denial about that constant feeling of loneliness by surrounding yourself with people.
It's when you realize you
would give anything to be back home the way you were before, just for another
day.
It's when you're aching to
cry but the tears just don't seem to come.
It's when you feel no
emotion but feel every possible emotion at the same time.
It's when you watch your friends move out and away to start new chapters and now you've done it too.
It's when you realize that
your idea and feeling of home has been forever changed.
It's when your parents say
"you've grown up beautifully" over a call with teary eyes.
It's when you feel like wearing your big girl pants and having to do big girl things in the big world is a herculean task.
But even after all this,
there are moments when you feel it's worth it. That this is your path.
It's when you're at home during holidays for a visit but realize you are looking forward to being back in hostel.
It's when you're dancing
in your room with your girls till dawn.
It's when you finally feel like exploring the new city that you live in which you previously had no energy to do.
It's when you start
appreciating every sunset because it seems like an event larger than life
itself.
It's when the long walks
around campus after dinner become a daily routine and your day feels incomplete without it.
It's when you realize
you've always loved the campus and its view.
It's when you start
enjoying the solace that being alone gives you.
It's when you have those
random deep conversations with your roommate or your friends.
It's when your friends
spontaneously decide to get all dressed up and go to a cafe.
It's when you go out of
your comfort zone and participate in your first sports competition since
childhood and win.
It's when you look froward
to the DJ nights or rather the "cultural nights" just to let loose
and dance around.
It's when the novelty of
it all wears away but you realize it's not so bad after all.
It's when getting dressed,
attending the pooja on campus and having the special festival dinner in the
mess starts to seem like an okay way to celebrate your festivals away from
home.
It's when you realize that
maybe having to wear your big girl pants and do big girl things in the big
world isn't so herculean as you imagined it would be.
Hey there, it's been quite a while. Let's just jump in. This year has been a whirlwind of changes. I left my childhood home and neighborhood to move to a new locality, watched my sister get engaged, married and move out. Finally, I myself moved away from home for university, from Bangalore to Guwahati. The sun rises and sets here 1.5 hours before it does at home. Quite literally, alag aasmaan.
It’s all fun and games to romanticize your life away from home and being the long-distance daughter and friend but it's not always all fun and games. You fall in love with your new life but the guilt of living so far away, leaving them behind and missing out on milestones and memories never gets easier.
Having been someone who always wanted to move as far away from home as possible, doing it actually thought me how wrong I was. Home will always be home. You'll realize, it's not just the house or the people, it's the city too. When I say "Ghar jaana hai, I miss home.", I mean I miss everything, all of it. I miss going on errands with my brother and sister, I miss going out with my friends and realize that we are all never at home or free at the same time, whenever I eat an omelette and miss my dad because it's one of his favorites. It's when I stress about getting to the airport on time even though I will probably be well on time and I see my father in myself, or something I do that reminds me of my mother. It's so many other things that I couldn't possibly list here.
Right now, I'm writing this while sitting in my room alone after I just finished my first semester in University. My friends are leaving for home soon, so will I. But, I realize, I'll have to make two homes for myself now, one just won't do.
- T Kinjala
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